Since last night I’ve been obsessively connecting to Omegle.
It’s a simple site that just connects you to a random person, anonymously, for a conversation.
It feels like that scene in Fight Club where the narrator sits down next to Tyler on the plane. Two strangers meeting, laying out their personality and sizing each other up in just a few words, with no expectations, and — thanks to anonymity — no consequences.
Except in this case, a lot of the time Tyler just screams “COCKS”, punches the narrator, and jumps out of the window.
Still, it’s fun!
xkcd 
Connecting to server…
You’re now chatting with a random stranger. Say hi!
A word of advice: “asl” is boring. Please find something more interesting to talk about!
You: Hai
Stranger: hi
You: God
You: i dissappoint myself
You: sorry
You: but i have run out of trolls for you
You: i will now go shoot myself
Stranger: as did i
Stranger: sao i waited
Stranger: to see what youd do
Stranger: so its like dbl fail
Stranger: thats lulz
You: Had a good run tonight
Stranger: samee
Stranger: save your funnies!
You: Connecting to server…
Looking for someone you can chat with. Hang on.
You’re now chatting with a random stranger. Say hi!
A word of advice: “asl” is boring. Please find something more interesting to talk about!
You: hi
Stranger: hey how are you? :F
You: Before or after the surgery?
Stranger: before 😦
Stranger: i cant afford to have my nips trimmed
You: i am in between atm
You: used to be a man
You: but am a girl
You: with a penis
Stranger: nice!
You: I am skint
You: you wanna send some moneh?
Stranger: I’ll sell you a womb?
You: or a pair of rusty scissors
You: jah
Stranger: yes…how much do you need?
You: A womb would be good
You: $$$ lots of $$$
You: over 9000 $$$
Stranger: ok, well here’s my credit card number 4765 2907 4116 7899 exp. 10/12 VVC # 2279
Stranger: not too much though
You: OMG WOWZA
You: The bguys will love this shit :D:D:D:
Stranger: bguys? Who dem?
You: some friends of mine
You: say hello to the internetz
Stranger: excellent. HELLO INTERNET!
You: They will be in touch
Stranger: How do you know these friends? I would like some friends
You have disconnected.
You: one of my best
Stranger: Lmao
Stranger: good job
Stranger: i have so many
You: Though there was a goodun where i did an entire news report in the style of bill o reilly
Stranger: Lol nice
You: aye
You: now the question is
You: are all the fuckers that keep on doing .m/f
You: trolls
You: or nubs
Stranger: I dunno, they annoy me
Stranger: i feel ya man
Stranger: or girl
Stranger: i assum guy
You: There are no girls on the internetz
Stranger: haha nope
Stranger: msn?
Stranger: youre the only normal person ive found
You: urz plz
Stranger: randy_zwicker@hotmail.com
You: The internetz thanks you
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Connecting to server…
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You’re now chatting with a random stranger. Say hi!
A word of advice: “asl” is boring. Please find something more interesting to talk about!
Stranger: Dunder Mifflin, this is Pam.
You: Pam, the Spray?
You: I’ve got some things to say to you!
Stranger: Pam Beesly, the receptionist.
You: I DO NOT appreciate my Pam — oh.
You: Sorry Miss, I’ll take my complaints elsewhere.
Stranger: Can I transfer your call?
You: Although if you could forward my message to Pam, the Company, I’d appreciate.
You: Yes!
You: Yes, please. Pam, of Pam Spray.
You: My bottle keeps clogging up.
Stranger: I work for Dunder Mifflin sir, not Pam the nonstick spray company.
You: It’s not worth the money– Ma’am, not Sir.
You: Then please transfer my call to Pam the nonstick spray company.
You: You /did/ say you were a receptionist.
Stranger: I sorry. That was a woman on the phone, probably a smoker.
You: Oh..
You: Who is this, then?
Stranger: Goodbye
Your conversational partner has disconnected.
[Who got who, here?]
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You’re now chatting with a random stranger. Say hi!
A word of advice: “asl” is boring. Please find something more interesting to talk about!
Stranger: hi
You: Oh, hello.
Stranger: stay
You: I want a quantum computer.
Stranger: hi
You: I WANT AN INDEFINITE AMOUNT OF RAM, DAMMIT!!!
Stranger: wat?
Stranger: ok
Stranger: umm
You: I WANT NO HDD SPACE LIMITS!!!
Stranger: r u sane?
You: I WANT DYNAMIC PROGRAMMABLE MATTERRRRR!!!!!
Stranger: cuz u dont sound it
You: RESIZABLE SCREENN!!!!!
Stranger: right beind ya
You: I WANT HOLOGRAPHIC MEDIA CONTROLS!!!
Stranger: oh shut UP!
You: I WANT AN ULTRASOUND-MODULATED AUDIO TRANSMITTER!!
You: NO NEED TO WEAR EARPHONES!!!
Stranger: yeah bye
You: NO!!!!!
You: I WANT MICROWAVE-BASED POWER TRANSCEIVER!!!
You: NO NEED TO RECHARGE BATTERIES!!!!
Your conversational partner has disconnected.
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Its being invaded by bots. Fuck.
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There we were
Decrying xkcd
You found my lack of trust in pot
Amusing
Connection imploded, Muddy Waters didn’t do it for me
Do you read the comments?
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Connecting to server…
You’re now chatting with a random stranger. Say hi!
A word of advice: “asl” is boring. Please find something more interesting to talk about!
Stranger: hi
You: die
Stranger: why
You: bye
You have disconnected.
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Pasted some Lorem Ipsum into the chat. Poor Stranger.
You: Es un hecho establecido hace demasiado
Stranger: duxas?
You: Contenido aquí,?
Stranger: whatafuck?!
You: Estos textos hacen parecerlo..
Stranger: eik tu…
You: Al contrario del pensamiento?
Stranger: ismok lietuviu bambuk!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Stranger: nesapaliojes cia
You: si.
You: viene de una linea en la sección…
Stranger: fuck off!
Stranger: idiot…
You: estructuras muy útiles de sentencias.
You: gurucas?
You: vas a utilizar un pasaje 🙂
Stranger: tu duxas isikalk i galva bambuk
Stranger: jei parasysi tu duxas!
You: repetir trozos predefinidos cuando sea necesario?
Stranger: heh duxas
Stranger: 😀
You: dOMENOKJOS?
You: :-))
Stranger: bye
Your conversational partner has disconnected.
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Connecting to server…
You’re now chatting with a random stranger. Say hi!
A word of advice: “asl” is boring. Please find something more interesting to talk about!
You: I command you to entertain me!!!!
Your conversational partner has disconnected.
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I just had the longest, best conversation on Omegle.
It was great!
Guy called Max, 20 years old.
Then I just accidentally closed the tab.
I was /not/ amused 😛
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You: Will you mary me darling?
Stranger: hmmm?
You: Will you mary me darling?
Stranger: whats ur name?
You: Paul
Stranger: from?
You: England
Stranger: great
You: So will you?
Stranger: how old are u?
You: 20
Stranger: ?????
Stranger: do u want marry with 20 years old?
Stranger: i doubt
Stranger: are u lier?
Stranger: liar?
You: What is you name?
Stranger: noura
You: How old are You?
Stranger: 21
You: Nice. Will you mary me?
Stranger: no
Stranger: do u have yahoo messenger id?
Stranger: please add me
Stranger: diaz_cute_abis@yahoo.com
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Omegle gets an A for innovation, but a C for upkeep. If I see another Cam bot on Omegle, I am going to plotz.
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Most I just had to say Im from washinton USA and they whent running…. whats wrong with my home state?
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Kehe I know its a little odd
Connecting to server…
sexy
You’re now chatting with a random stranger. Say hi!
A word of advice: “asl” is boring. Please find something more interesting to talk about!
You: bip bip
Stranger: a wild ponyta appears
You:
You: pokemon snap xxx
You: *click click* yeah work it
Your conversational partner has disconnected.
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You’re now chatting with a random stranger. Say hi!
A word of advice: “asl” is boring. Please find something more interesting to talk about!
You: bitch, get yo ass back in the kitchen and fix me a steak
Stranger: ok ok just dont hit me anymore
You: i *know* i should’ve married yo sister
Your conversational partner has disconnected.
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Connecting to server…
You’re now chatting with a random stranger. Say hi!
A word of advice: “asl” is boring. Please find something more interesting to talk about!
Stranger: asl?
You: it says that’s boring.
Stranger: i dont care
Stranger: i dont think it is
You: but… it says so
You: right there
You: I’m afraid.
Stranger: but it lies
You: How do i know if it lies, or if you lie?
You: Oh god the horror.
You: WHAT IF I MAKE THE WRONG DECISION?
Stranger: o
Stranger: m
Stranger: g
Your conversational partner has disconnected.
Connecting to server…
Looking for someone you can chat with. Hang on.
You’re now chatting with a random stranger. Say hi!
A word of advice: “asl” is boring. Please find something more interesting to talk about!
You: When you shower, do you use shampoo first, or do you use soap and then shampoo?
Stranger: I use shampoo, then conditioner, then body gel
You: Me too!
Stranger: cool
You: Some people soap first,
You: and leave their hair to last.
You: I don’t get it.
Stranger: nah
Stranger: hair first
You: Damn straight.
You have disconnected.
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[Quote]
“Jareth Taylor says:
August 28, 2009 at 1:53 pm
Omegle gets an A for innovation, but a C for upkeep. If I see another Cam bot on Omegle, I am going to plotz.”
Omegle is trolled by chans… not cam bots… complain moar!
You getz an F for FAIL! 00P$ your fail box is FULL! Please empty/make room in your fail box for this failure…
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For the win:
Connecting to server…
You’re now chatting with a random stranger. Say hi!
Omegle is not a dating site. Please try to have interesting conversations here!
You: Hi!
Your conversational partner has disconnected.
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I outdid myself!!!
For the win!!!
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Omegle is not a dating site. Please try to have interesting conversations here!
Your conversational partner has disconnected.
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You: hi!
Stranger: hi
You: what do you think about the large hadron collider?
Your conversational partner has disconnected.
🙂
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the best one I’ve gotten yet:
Connecting to server…
You’re now chatting with a random stranger. Say hi!
Omegle is not a dating site. Please try to have interesting conversations here!
Stranger: hi
You: YOU ARE HUMAN?
Stranger: of course
You: WE ARE THE BORG
You: WE COME IN FRIENDSHIP
Stranger: me too
You: WE SEEK TO LEARN YOUR CULTURE
You: WILL YOU ASSIST?
Stranger: yeaa
You: EXPLAIN “LOLCATS”?
Your conversational partner has disconnected
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Talk to strangers!
2878 users online
Connecting to server…
Looking for someone you can chat with. Hang on.
You’re now chatting with a random stranger. Say hi!
Omegle is not a dating site. Please try to have interesting conversations here!
Stranger: i’m a french boy sexy .. ^^
You: hello, i AM not a girl dude
Your conversational partner has disconnected.
or save this log or send us feedback.
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For some reason, I can’t seem to maintain a conversation for more than 10 lines or so…
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Connecting to server…
You’re now chatting with a random stranger. Say hi!
Omegle is not a dating site. Please try to have interesting conversations here!
Stranger: hi
You: Ye-ello!
You: How’s life treating you on this gloriously fine day?
Stranger: it is fine
Stranger: i was inside working most of it, so you know
You: I was… slacking off, being semi-upset about the whole being-an-unemployed-canadian-teenager thing
Stranger: can i ask you a question>
You: Sure, go nuts.
Stranger: what is your darkest secret?
You: Hm.
I see.
Tell you what, if you tell me yours first, I’ll let you know.
Stranger: come on, dude.
Stranger: I asked you first
Stranger: you’ll get mine
You: Fair enough.
I’m aroused by natural disasters.
You: It’s an actual mental problem that I suffer with
Stranger: tell me more
Stranger: I’m interested
You: I see a hurricane on the news, and whoa, I am horny as a frog.
Stranger: what was katrina like
You: I tried to keep myself from watching the news through all of it. I had to visit a doctor twice.
You: I don’t really like to talk about it.
Stranger: can you get aroused by things that aren’t natural disasters?
You: Why, of course. Just, even a heavy snowstorm can make me intolerable.
Stranger: what about non-natural disasters?
Stranger: did the economic collapse give you a hard on?
You: Murders, plane crashes, the economy, flu?
Nothing. I can suffer from social anxiety, but that’s it.
Stranger: is it the natural disaster itself (i.e. the hurricane) or the bad things the natural disaster does
You: It’s not the damage, it the profound presence of it all that makes me get so unhinged.
Stranger: is there a name for this
You: Giaphilia
You: Obviously, from latin roots, much like most conditions. Gia, latin for the Earth, or nature’s wrath. Philia, the arousal I get from it.
You: It’s really not that important. What’s your secret?
Stranger: nice try, buddy
Stranger: gia is not latin for anything
Stranger: I read latin
You: Oh, I didn’t explain well enough
Stranger: also, philia is greek
You: I assumed it was latin
You: and Gia implies towards the earth goddess, due to the sexual nature.
Stranger: alright
Stranger: sure
You: Do you have anything to tell me?
Stranger: alright
Stranger: you sure?
You: By all means, it was the deal.
Stranger: i almost killed a man
You: Almost? How did this happen?
Stranger: i owed a guy a lot of money
You: You aren’t making it very clear to me.
Stranger: i couldnt pay him anywhere near enough
Stranger: he wasnt the sort person who would turn a blind eye
Stranger: i knew he would come for me, so i decided to get to him first
Stranger: i live in israel, so i had army training and all
You: Did all these events occur in Isreal at the time?
Stranger: no, america
Stranger: i was in connecticut for 3 years
Stranger: i left because of this
You: If you /nearly/ killed this man, what happened to him?
Stranger: i got into his house while he was out
Stranger: had him at gunpoint when he came home
Stranger: i gave him a choice
Stranger: either he lets me leave the country with my money and collateral
Stranger: or i kill him
Stranger: he refused the collateral
Stranger: i got him on the ground
Stranger: took a finger
Stranger: he changed his mind
You: Wow, that is incredible.
How did you know he would come home alone?
Stranger: i had his wife and children tied up in the bedroom
Stranger: he doesnt bring associates to his house
Stranger: stupid
You: Have fun covering yourself in mayo ;D
[I liked my story better]
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You’re now chatting with a random stranger. Say hi!
Omegle is not a dating site. Please try to have interesting conversations here!
You: tell me your darkest secret
Your conversational partner has disconnected.
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Stranger: hi,wht do u have between ur legs?pussy or cock?
You: your sister
Your conversational partner has disconnected.
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Stranger: Aaron?
You: That’s me
You: You waited?
Stranger: of course!
Stranger: now where were we
Stranger: I palmed my erection slowly through my underpants
You: So did I
Stranger …
You have disconnected
—
(5 minutes of silence)
You: FINE. I caved
Stranger: Hah! 🙂
Stranger: I’m Jerry
You: I’m Ben
Stranger: hi ben
You: we can make something delicious together
Stranger: what?
You have disconnected.
—
Stranger: m or f?
You: both
Stranger: heh.
You: yeah, you like that, don’t you?
You have disconnected.
—
Stranger: Hi.
You: Hello
Stranger: How’s life treating you?
You: Brilliantly
Stranger: Awesome.
You: Yep. because chatting with strangers on a Friday night is my idea of a classy, feel-good lifestyle.
Stranger: Mine too!
You: So we mesh?
Stranger: Definitely.
Stranger: So, are you horny?
You: Unf, yes. I’m also balding and on viagra.
Your conversational partner has disconnected.
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You’re now chatting with a random stranger. Say hi!
Omegle is not a dating site. Please try to have interesting conversations here!
You: hello
Stranger: hi. asl?
You: asl?
Stranger: 14/m/michigan you?
You: 14/m/newyork
Stranger: you gay?
You: no
Stranger: 😦
You: this isn’t a dating site
Stranger: so?
Stranger: i can still think your hot 🙂
You: okay
Your conversational partner has disconnected.
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Omegle is not a dating site. Please try to have interesting conversations here!
You: BatBlaster says hi. BatBlaster is speaking in the third person
Stranger: pervert
You: this sign on
You: is not working
Stranger: go watch some cartoons boy
You: how does that sign on make me a pervert
Your conversational partner has disconnected.
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See the website link above for the conversation
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Omegle is not a dating site. Please try to have interesting conversations here!
Stranger: horny
You: LOTS!
Stranger: m/f
You: I put on my robe and wizard hat!
Stranger: so m/f
You: Both….
You: <.<
Stranger: wat do u look like
You: Like a scrappling.
You: RAWR!
Your conversational partner has disconnected.
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You’re now chatting with a random stranger. Say hi!
Omegle is not a dating site. Please try to have interesting conversations here!
You: My job sucks.
Stranger: thats alright.. so does everyone elses
Stranger: what u do?
You: Well, I work with this wannabe super model chick
Stranger: u work with or for?
You: and she’s kind of hot but she’s always putting on make up and she never helps at all
You: work with
You: she’s pretty much a bimbo, but she’s kind of attractive
Stranger: u a photographer or stylist?
You: and then there is this obvious lesbian
You: like, huge lesbian, she moans around power tools
Stranger: now ur just a liar
You: she’s pretty smart, but she’s just so fucking manly, it’s incredible.
Stranger: lol
You: I don’t think she showers at all.
You: And don’t get me started on this stoner guy… jesus
Stranger: ok.. what about the stoner?
Stranger: my friends are stoners
You: constantly baked, and he’s always asking me to go to get food with him
You: he likes these huge sandwiches, and he brings his fucking dog everywhere with him
Stranger: ur just playin on stereotypes.. this doesn’t sound real
Stranger: sounds like a corny movie
You: so I have to deal with him telling me he sees this crazy shit and this dog just goes everywhere
You: I bet the dog is fucking high the entire time from secondhand smoke
You: so yeah, me and my coworkers
Stranger: k
You: We drive around in this van and solve mysteries and shit.
Stranger: lol
You: I can’t believe I got my PhD for this
Stranger: oh yeah.. for writing scooby doo?
You: well it’s not like it’s easy work
Stranger: oh.. ur a writer
You: we have to sit in this fucking van that has like TWO seats in it
Stranger: thats not easy
You: and we’re constantly in HUGE shitholes
Stranger: yeah.. but u and the model hook up right?
You: like, why can’t we ever have a mystery in fucking Detroit?
You: I’d take — well, yeah. Duh.
Stranger: the stoner and the dog do it right?
You: I mean, she’s pretty useless but she’s good in that arena.
You: Well I let them do whatever they fucking please in the back of the van
You: it WAS a rental
You: but we kind of stole it.
Stranger: painted it green and wrote mystery machien on the side
You: Yeah… not my idea
Stranger: lol
Stranger: mustve been the lesbian nerd
You: You never see any women running towards us, do you?
Stranger: yeah i do
You: I wanted “Testosterone Mobile” but noooo.
Stranger: does that happen to you too?
You: does what happen
Stranger: women running towards you
You: well not if I’m at work
You: it’s practically like playing World of Warcraft right out in the open
You: it’s such a turn off for them
You: well — oh jesus
You: the stoner is telling me he sees a fucking ghost
Stranger: one sec i got a phone call
You: yeah I have to go
You: thanks.
You: this is my therapy.
You have disconnected.
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Stranger: *gets shrunken to the size of a mouse
You: A mouse you say? A mouse in my house?
Stranger: n..not a mouse
Stranger: I’m a 3 inch tall person
You: Ah. I’ve heard of that condition before.
You: 3inchtallitis, correct?
Stranger: eep x.x
You: So sad.
Stranger: >_> *backs away slowly
You: Wha…? Why?
You: Oh…the gun.
You: Sorry about that.
Stranger: well..
Stranger: you don’t need a gun to hurt me
Stranger: Please don’t hurt me. I’m worth more to you alive v.v
You: Worth more, eh? Well, give it up then.
You: I want all of your Jew gold, Kyle.
Stranger: er..
Stranger: you could just sell me as a toy
You: That would work.
You: No.
You: I will use you to create the greatest movie of all time.
You: Small Soldiers 2: Even Smaller.
Stranger: Does the main character survive in the end?
You: Starring Stranger, Mr. T, and Paris Hilton (who dies 3 second into the movie).
You: Yes, the main character, you, will survive.
Stranger: Good to hear..
You: Soundtrack by T-Pain and Jim Morrison’s ghost.
Stranger: What happens AFTER this film of yours?
You: After this film, I sell it to a big Hollywood studio and you get rich and famous.
Stranger: I don’t quite get rich after being sold, you know
Stranger: that would make YOU rich and famous
You: Then, 5 years later, you’ll die of like a heroin overdose or something. Because you accidentally licked a drop of it.
You: Well, you’re the star of the movie.
You: Everyone will love you.
You: I will be known as the one who discovered you, though. And spared your tiny life.
Stranger: at what cost…
You: The cost will be 5 sixpence and a farthing.
You: And a blone teenage virgin from Germany.
Stranger: I’d rather be just donated to a daycare x.x
You: Who shall be sacrificed.
You: I could always just squash you right now, y’know.
Stranger: please no. Let me live free!
You: Hmm…let you live free or sell you to a daycare?
You: *Picks up a shoe*…or kill you?
Stranger: (daycare 0_0)
You: You’ll most likely have your head ripped off by a misguided toddler there.
Stranger: (just try it xD)
You: Fine. I donate you to a daycare.
Stranger: *I look around the inside of a toybox, wondering what will happen to me
You: I regret this decision, as I could have dressed you as a leprachaun and fooled people.
You: What happens to you, O Tiny One?
Stranger: what section of the daycare am I in?
Stranger: 1-2 year olds?
You: Sure.
You: Check inventory
Stranger: I have…nothing but my clothes on!
Stranger: *looks around the toybox for tools
You: Take toy car
Stranger: well..that’s bigger than me o.o
Stranger: *I hear noises from outside…the toybox seems to be opening
You: Look up
Stranger: *I look up in fear to see the first “giant” baby I shall be potentially entertaining
You: Scream in horror
Stranger: how old is this kid o.o?
You: 1 and a half.
Stranger: x.x how rough does he/she play with toys?
You: Very very rough.
Stranger: and what is said baby wearing? just a diaper?
You: A diaper and a onesie that says “Mommy’s favorite backseat accident”.
Stranger: ouch xD
Stranger: Does he use his diaper as a pocket?
You: Occasionally, but not today.
Stranger: good..
Stranger: *i freeze stiff and try not to look interesting
You: Look around
Stranger: *there are no interesting toys other than me, it seems. I look up to see a hand coming down
You: Bite his hand
Stranger: (why not you control what HE does and I control what I do?)
You: So we’re going old-school DnD and not text adventure? Fine.
You: The toddler grabs you.
Stranger: *I squirm weakly in his grip, looking around to get a grasp on the area. How many other babies are there?
You: 6 within 10 feet of him, 9 more in the general area.
You: The toddler examines you close to his face.
Stranger: LOTS of diapers x.x *I hold still, not wanting to scare him
You: He examines you for quite a bit, decides you are uninteresting, and throws you on the ground.
You: He runs off to play with a friend.
Stranger: *I am fortunate that the floor is soft. I DO make a bit of an adorable “squeaking” noise, though. I look around, hoping none of the diapered giants have found me
You: All of the toddlers have been distracted by the teacher, who is taking them outside to the playground.
You: To your left, you see a Hot Wheels car. To your right, a set of building blocks shaped like stairs.
Stranger: *I climb up the building blocks one by one to get a better view of the area…and then I realize that I’m making myself an easy target for one of the stragglers to take to the playground
You: A straggler notices you and is lumbering towards you! Quick, what do you do?
Stranger: *I lock up and fear and try to get off, but the blocks aren’t all that well balanced. I can only reach the first “step” from the top before he arrives at me
You: He picks you up and takes you outside to the playground. Fortunately, he forgets about you when he sees the swingset and sets you on the ground. Unfortunately, you are in an unfamiliar territory surrounded by hyperactive toddlers.
Stranger: *what’s worse..I’m the ONLY toy in the area. I head towards the sandbox in hopes of finding cover there
You: You hide in the corner of the sandbox in hopes no toddler will see you.
You: A kid is approaching the sandbox, but does not seem as if he has spotted you yet.
Stranger: *I take a sneak peak at the kid to see how he/she looks
You: He is rotund. The ground shakes as he walks. He does not notice you and plops his large frame into the sandbox. It knocks you over.
You: He begins to eat the sand.
Stranger: *I wound up pinned between the corner and his diaper. He doesn’t seem to notice me, thank god
You: He burps loudly and sand roars out of his flabby mouth. He look disgusted but figure he is distracted enough that you can manuever around his large self.
You: You look disgusted*
Stranger: *I manuever around to find that he seems to be the only kid in the sandbox. I accidentily bump into his diaper in the process
You: He reaches around to feel the bump. He brushes against your face.
Stranger: *I squeak in fear as he gropes my face…big mistake. I made a toy-like noise
You: He quickly picks you to examine you.
You: He smiles, the fat folds in his cheeks all…I think I ran out of fat jokes.
Stranger: *I’m an adorable human little figure. Even if I’m not useful to him…..I could easily be traded to another baby
You: He sticks you in his diaper and stands up.
You: It is dark. You are likely to be eaten by a grue.
Stranger: or worse
Stranger: *I am trapped in the back of his diaper. This isn’t good. I try to find a way out
You: There is no light. His diaper is sealed shut by his rolls.
You: Luckily, he hasn’t messed himself…yet.
Stranger: And even if he doesn’t…he owns me for the time being, huh?
You: Yes, he does.
You: After what seems like an eternity frantically searching for an escape, he takes you out of his diaper.
You: You observe a female toddler in front of him. He presents you as a gift to her.
Stranger: *I squirm weakly in desperation..but there is no escape. I try my best to perform a little lullaby…
You: She does not succumb to your song. She accepts the gift from Jelly Belly, but then immediately discards you.
You: You notice you are back inside.
You: So are all of the kids.
Stranger: *I sigh and head to a dollhouse for security
Stranger: (I gots to go to bed soon x.x
You: (Me too)
Stranger: (are you enjoying this, or is it tormenting you?)
You: (It’s fun…I’ll kill you soon.)
Stranger: (you can have my AIM if you want
Stranger: or my MSN
You: (Don’t use instant messaging really, but hey, you’ll find someone else on here as cool as me)
Stranger: (heh
Stranger: (every roleplayer is worth his weight in gold
You: In the dollhouse, you find nothing but doll furniture. It is safe from children, though.
Stranger: I’m sorry…I can’t stay aawake x.x
You: You have a heart attack. You die.
You: The end.
Stranger: heh
You: Well, it was the best I could do.
Stranger: It sounds to me like you have a bit of a snuff thrill 😮
You: Now I will use your corpse to film my movie.
You: Possibly…
Stranger: I am good at sating such things, provided I am tiny
Stranger: Of course
Stranger: I can do the same to you if you desire
Stranger: Heh heh…I have 40 friends on AIM who desire such writing services
You: Nah, that’s ok, but…HOLY CRAP T-REX!
You have disconnected.
Dude kinda creeped me out there at the end. I thought he was just having some fun with me, but…eh…Iunno now.
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You: OH GOD I’M SO HAPPY
You: YES!
You: FINALLY A HUMAN PERSON
You: YOU
You: YOU
You: WHAT’S YOUR NAME, DEAR?
You: DEAR?
You: WHAT’S YOUR NAME?
Stranger: YES!
You: PLEASE
You: I NEED A NAME
Stranger: MY NAME IS TINAH!
Stranger: AWWWWWWWW AND UR NAME IS?
You: I HAVE BEEN IN THE MURIEL CENTER FOR SCHIZOPHRENIA AND SYTHESTHESIA TREATMENT FOR THIRTY TWO YEARS
Stranger: THAT’S THE GREATEST THING IVE EVER HEARD!
Stranger: good!!!!!
You: PLEASE
You: LISTEN
You: JUST LISTEN PLEASE
Stranger: OKAY
You: ARE YOU MOCKING ME?
Stranger: WHAT?
You: YOU ARE MOCKING ME!
Stranger: NO!
Stranger: NOOO!
Stranger: PLS CONTINUE UR STORY
You: OH GOD THE DEVIL
You: OH GOD THE DEVIL
You: OH GOD THE DEVIL
You: THE DEVIL
You: THE DEVIL
You: THE DEVIL
You: PLEASE
You: PLEASE
Stranger: HHHHHHHHHHHHHH
You: DON’T
You: NO
Stranger: NO
You: NO THEY ARE HERE
Stranger: WHAT?
Stranger: WHAT?
You: THEY ARE HERE TO TAKE YOU AWAY
You: PLEASE
You: IT’S BEEN SO LONG
Stranger: OHMYGOD IM SO SCAREEEED
You: SO LONG SINCE
You: NO!
Stranger: SINCE?
You: THEY ARE TAKING YOU AWEkdjgfkalerjgaesm,b be5yk
You: Miss?
You: Miss?
Stranger: ya
Stranger: what?
You: Please forgive the previous.
You: That was Abrams Kiala
Stranger: awwww yes np 🙂
Stranger: who is Abrams Kiala?
You: He has been here for thirty-two years, indeed, one of our senior residents.
Stranger: here?
Stranger: where?
You: Abrams Kiala is a fifty-six year old man with late stage schizophrenia and paranoid delusions.
You: He is a resident here at the Muriel Center for Schizophrenia and Sythesthesia Treatment.
You: Again, our apologies.
Stranger: omg are you kidding?
Stranger: lol good jokes
You: If you feel you have been negatively influenced by Mr. Kiala you may send feedback now.
You: We will punish him accordingly.
Stranger: No
Stranger: he didnt annoy me
You: Not at all, miss?
Stranger: BUT U DID!
Stranger: omg who are you?
You: Miss?
You: Miss!
Stranger: yayaya
You: My identity is confidential.
You: I am not able to divulge that information.
Stranger: lol okay
Stranger: are you cute?
Stranger: okay sorry
Stranger: um
Stranger: he didnt annoy me, at all. thats ok i understand him lol
You: It is our conclusion that your psychological state has been influenced by Mr. Kiala.
Stranger: WHAT THE F?
Stranger: NO i am normal as paris hilton!!!!
You: We are removing his movement privileges.
You: My supervisor will speak to you on the matters of Mr. Kiala.
You: Good day, miss.
Stranger: lol why did u remove his movement privileges?
Stranger: u r so mean!!!
You: We are placing Mr. Kiala in a straightjacket for forty-eight hours.
Stranger: lol wtf i dont want to speak w/ ur fuckin supervisor
You: He gained control of this laptop through force.
Stranger: awwwwwwww that’s the meanestmeanest thing
Stranger: okay
You: What is, miss?
You: Miss, do not feel pity for Mr. Kiala.
Stranger: why?
Stranger: its my right
Stranger: lol
You: We pulled him off the streets in 1966.
Stranger: then?
You: He was suffering a paranoid delusion.
You: The police were about to subdue him with nightsticks when we found him.
You: He has been here ever since.
Stranger: okay is this for real?
Stranger: lol
You: If miss there is nothing more I would like to get back to the matter at hand, i.e., subduing Mr. Kiala and placing him in said straightjacket.
You: [pl9,
You: wqojre
You: 1123w4ertyhukl
You:
Stranger: what the hell
You:
Stranger:
Stranger: what?
You: Please forgive us!
You: Mr. Kiala is experiencing a seizure!
Stranger: owkay
You: Miss, I must disconnect this laptop from the Internet in thirty seconds par command from my superior officer!
You: Is there anything more?
Stranger: LOL
Stranger: yes
Stranger: ARE YOU FOR REAL?
You: Yes, miss!
Stranger: PLS DONT CALL ME MISS! just call me by my name
You: The Muriel Center for Schizophrenia and Sythesthesia Trea
You have disconnected.
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You: hi
Stranger: hi
Stranger: 21 f china
You: ?
Stranger: u?
You: what is this china of which you speak
You: on my planet we only have one nation
You: florg
Your conversational partner has disconnected.
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You: Hiiiiiiiiiiiii!
Stranger: hey
Stranger: asl
You: 18/f/ca, u?
Stranger: 32 m uk
You: well, i’ll be legally female in 2 weeks, but trust me, im all girl!
Stranger: what do u mean
You: well, i mean the surgery hasnt happened yet, but ive been taking my hormones!
Stranger: so ur a guy changing into…
You: well, if you wanna put it that way, ya
You: 😀
Stranger: are you convincing?
Stranger: wht do u look like
You: ive been compared to megan fox alot
You: 😉
Stranger: awesome
Stranger: so dou fool guys when u go out
You: o yeah, i cant go out without being given number
Stranger: ?
You: guys just give me theyre number all the time and tell me to clal em
You: i never do, lol
Stranger: u have a pic
You: ya, let me get it for ya 😉
You: k, i got it!
You: http://tinyurl.com/698jfh
Stranger: nice pic
You: ty 🙂
Stranger: bf;gf?
You: single
You: n lookin
You: N I hope we ca – HOLY FUCKING COCK A T-REX JUST BROKE MY ROOF DOWN!
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You: hi
Stranger: hi
Stranger: where are u from?
You: somewhere in the US
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You: hi
Stranger: m/f?
You: why, do you wanna cyber with me
Stranger: yes
You: lol, i was waithing for someone like u
You: to pwn
You: male, why
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Stranger: hi
Stranger: m/f?
You: i’m offended by your assumption that there aren’t ts here, you’re so hetero-normative gawd
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Stranger: asl
You: Access denied.
You: Reason: information is classified.
You: A level three security clearance or higher is mandatory.
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Stranger: hey
You: hello
You: i’d like to buy your carpet
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Stranger: u horny girl ?u horny girl ?u horny girl ?u horny girl ?u horny girl ?u horny girl ?u horny girl ?u horny girl ?u horny girl ?u horny girl ?u horny girl ?u horny girl ?u horny girl ?u horny girl ?u horny girl ?u horny girl ?u horny girl ?u horny girl ?u horny girl ?u horny girl ?u horny girl ?u horny girl ?u horny girl ?u horny girl ?u horny girl ?u horny girl ?u horny girl ?u horny girl ?u horny girl ?u horny girl ?u horny girl ?u horny girl ?u horny girl ?u horny girl ?u horny girl ?u horny girl ?u horny girl ?u horny girl ?u horny girl ?
You: Are you retarded?Are you retarded?Are you retarded?Are you retarded?Are you retarded?Are you retarded?Are you retarded?Are you retarded?Are you retarded?Are you retarded?Are you retarded?Are you retarded?Are you retarded?Are you retarded?Are you retarded?Are you retarded?Are you retarded?Are you retarded?Are you retarded?Are you retarded?Are you retarded?Are you retarded?Are you retarded?Are you retarded?Are you retarded?Are you retarded?Are you retarded?Are you retarded?Are you retarded?Are you retarded?Are you retarded?Are you retarded?Are you retarded?Are you retarded?Are you retarded?Are you retarded?
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Stranger: hi
You: Hello
Stranger: im a stranger
You: I see that.
You: Me too.
Stranger: OH GOD!
You: It’s okay.
Stranger: ok ok
You: This room is safe.
Stranger: do you have the stuff?
You: Yes.
Stranger: I have the money
You: I was about to ask.
You: Good.
You: Let me see.
Stranger: ok we do the tradde off at the same time
Stranger: reasy?
Stranger: ready?
You: ok
Stranger: 3…
Stranger: 2…
Stranger: 1…
Stranger: BANG!
You: *dies*
Stranger: hehehe
You: lol
Stranger: lol
You: I didn’t really bring the stuff.
Stranger: WHAT! :O
You: Someone got to it before I could.
You: And I panicked.
Stranger: Well what was there type? I’ll hunt them down like a PUMA! =^.^=
Stranger: what are you?
You: What am I? Human; white; 10 toes.
You: A nose.
You: Certainly not a puma.
Stranger: well if im “like” a puma then what are you?
Stranger: “like”
You: I am like… wait, I hate animals.
Stranger: WE ARE ANIMALS!
You: I have a dog; that’s close.
Stranger: sure?
Stranger: well when can you have the replacement stuff?
You: …next week? I promise.
Stranger: how will i know its you?
You: Ask me the secret question. You’ll know.
Stranger: What did you do to that goat last night? that one?
You: Exactly.
Stranger: what will your response be?
You: Nothing it didn’t deserve.
Stranger: ok good
Stranger: WAIT!
Stranger: I DONT HAVE MY MONEY ANYMORE!
Stranger: BANG BANG!!!!
You: Shit.
You: Not again.
Stranger: CHICK CHICK BOOM!
You: shotgun?
You: Nice.
Stranger: YEAH
Stranger: RELEASE THE HOUNDS!
Stranger: BARK!
You: NO!
Stranger: BARK BARK!
Stranger: GRRRRRR SNARL SNARL GRRRR
Stranger: SNAP SNAP
You: Why is there a dog running off with one of my legs?
Stranger: Oh thats little freddy he’ll do that sometimes
You: Oh, ok. As long as I get it back.
You: I need that one.
Stranger: ok well can you describe it so i cant alert my ppl?
You: hold on a sec.
Stranger: WAIT A SEC!
Stranger: The dogs were sent to kill you. So forget it
Stranger: hi
Stranger: g2g
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Stranger: Hello.
You: hi
Stranger: I am Severus Snape.
You: im harry potter
Stranger: Potter you fool what are you doing on omegle. Death eaters lurk here.
You: screw the death eaters
Stranger: Arrogant as your father Potter.
You: im a magician i can handle my.. WTF IS THAT THING
You: its eating my arm
Stranger: What does it look like.
You: errr a shark
You: with wings
You: and a horn
Stranger: Narwhale?
You: yes
Stranger: A narwhale is eating your arm.
You: yes
You: i should do something
You: ahhh i dont care soooo wassup
You: stilll being a douche errr i mean a good teacher snape?
Stranger: http://jangeisler.files.wordpress.com/2007/05/narhval.jpg
Stranger: Kill it.
Stranger: If a muggle can you ought to be able to Potter.
Stranger: Pity you can’t kill a narwhale with fame hm Potter.
You: to bad ur penis isnt the size of ur ego
You: hm snape
Stranger: Potter don’t start with penis size. I am good in that department. Anyways Gryffindors have the big egos.
You: and im the main charecter therefore i get the main penis
You: which is huge
You: while u being a support charecter has a support penis
Stranger: Didn’t seem to impress Cho Chang.
You: it did seem to impress dumbledorf
You: o w8
You: forget i said that
Stranger: You showed Dumbledore your penis.
You: dont put words in my mouth
You: or words i said back into my mouth
Stranger: I was simply asking.
You: it was a very awkard time
Stranger: I can imagine.
You: he forced me to do…. things
Stranger: You are weak Potter. You should have been more alert, you know Dumbledore is gay.
You: he would have expled me
You: expelled*
Stranger: Not his golden child. Please Potter, Albus believes the fate of the wizarding world rests with you.
You: well he belived my penis should rest in his ass
You: and his in mine
You: *cries*
Stranger: I only promised to protect you from death, not from rape. Deal with it yourself Potter.
You: *sigh*
You: u can be so insensitive
You: i got raped how about something like ” im sorry” or ” ill kill him”
Stranger: Well I am no snivelling Gryffindor. I don’t wear my heart on my sleeve, and I advise you to do the same.
Stranger: Albus is dying anyway.
You: screw Albus
You: with u its always albus this and albus that
You: why dont u marry Albus
Stranger: You don’t understand the situation Potter. I am a spy. I have to take orders from Albus.
You: fine
You: and im a flying narwhal with a sword
You: and im pink
Stranger: You are thick.
You: btw its still on my arm
You: u callin me fat now?
You: or are u reffering to my thick PENIS
Stranger: No, see you are so thick you don’t get what thick means.
Stranger: It means stupid Potter.
You: ….i knew that
Stranger: Stupid fool, just like your father. Pretending he knows everything.
You: my father was AWSUM never insult him
Stranger: Your father was a swine.
You: MY FATHER WASN”T A SWINE
You: HE WAS MORE OF DINSOAR OF AWSOMENESS
You: DINOSAUR*
Stranger: He was a failure.
You: well atleast my father isn’t nearly a bad as yours
You: for u to turn out the way u did that must have been one messed up childhood
Stranger: Don’t bring my father into this. I know my father was a mudblood but I am not parading around saying he is amazing like you Potter. You don’t even know my father. Your father on the other hand was a stupid Gryffindor.
You: noooooooooo
You: NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO
You: my penis is still great though
You: soo anyways about this dying Albus wat im I suppose to do
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Stranger: hi
You: hi
Stranger: where are u from?
You: where are u from?
Stranger: you frist
You: you frist
Stranger: omg!
You: omg!
Stranger: you are very confused
Stranger: !
You: you are very confused
You: !
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Andromegle Chat
Stranger connected.
Me: Dunder Mifflin, this is Pam.
Stranger: hooray beer
Me: May I help you?
Stranger: dunder mifflen, this is zeus
Stranger: what is dunder mifflin btw?
Stranger: possibly
Stranger: do you have a gun?
Me: We sell paper products.
Stranger: my partner is annoying…u know…
Stranger: hooray, toilet paper by chance?
Stranger: my butt is starting to itch
Me: No Sir, copy paper.
Stranger: that will do, does it come in bulk
Me: Yes Sir.
Stranger: and aloe refreshing scent for when my business is “messy”
Stranger: ?
Stranger: hooray, what about chocolate scented?
Me: We currently don’t stock scented paper.
Stranger: i like my toilet paper like my men, you know what i am saying…
Me: Will that be all today.
Stranger: aww, boo
Stranger: what about air freshener
Me: Thank You
Disconnected
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You: Hello, this is Pizza Hut, how may I help you today?
Stranger: I’d like several large cheesy pizzas please.
You: All right, exactly how many….sir?
Stranger: I believe you mean ma’m
You: Oh, I’m sorry, ma’am.
You: Exactly how many pizzas do you want, ma’am?
Stranger: 27
You: Oh, ok.
You: That will be…
You: 400$.
Stranger: A million pounds because Pizza Hut is extortionate.
You: Yes.
You: We will be there shortly.
You: Your address is not needed because we already know where you live.
Stranger: Ahhhh I thought you did.
You: Yes.
Stranger: First rule of Pizza Hut.
You: Would you like a free shotgun, ma’am?
Stranger: We cannot obtain lisences as easily over here.
You: Oh.
You: Pizza Hut offers licenses for only $12.
You: Would you like a license, ma’am?
Stranger: Aye for £6!
You: All right, ma’am. We’ll send over your shotgun, 27 pizzas, and license shortly.
Stranger: Why thankyou
You: You’re welcome.
You: Have a nice day ma’am.
You: FLORG
You have disconnected.
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Stranger: hey
You: Hello
You: You got the stuff?
Stranger: depends?
You: What’s the word?
Stranger: the f word?
You: No, the secret word
You: You’re not him.
You: ABORT ABORT
Stranger: no!!
Stranger: give me another chance
You: Ok…
You: What’s the word?
Stranger: hyper-insomniaparacondriod
You: Good.
You: You got the money?
Stranger: you got the stuff?
You: Yep, right here.
Stranger: ok. r u sure nobody followed you?
You: Yep.
You: This is a safe room.
Stranger: ok handle the monet first
You: What? You have the money?
Stranger: nope i got the stuff dont u remember?
Stranger: u got the stuff also?
You: Crap.
You: I brought stuff.
Stranger: damn!
Stranger: what should we do?
You: Well, I guess we have what we both want.
Stranger: i could use some money?
Stranger: would you lend me some?
You: Sure, how much
Stranger: 5 cents
You: That’s a lot, man.
You: But I trust you.
You: here.
You: *hands nickel*
You: Hey…
You: Got any…
You: *looks around*
You: starburst.
Stranger: ??
Stranger: ahh i had couple minutes ago
Stranger: but sold it out
You: Damn.
You: Well, tell me when you get any more.
Stranger: i ll check the streets
You: Ok.
Stranger: keep in touch man, and tnx for the nickel
You: Ok.
You: Remember,
You: Nothing happened here.
Stranger: what?
You: Good.
Stranger: here? i never been here in my life?
You: Me either.
You: Who the hell are you?
Stranger: go away stranger *winks*
You: Ok, bye.
You: *runs*
You have disconnected.
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Stranger: 2000/m/namekian
You: same
Stranger: hot lizard love?
You: no
Stranger: oh 😦
Stranger: we got two suns you know
You: no
Stranger: wai must i crai at your lack of knowledge of our country?
You: youre insane
Stranger: it’s your* dumbass
You: its not
Stranger: learn to predicate noob
You: you are= youre
Stranger: NO
You: you are insane
Stranger: your*
You: your insane?
Stranger: YES
Stranger: goddamn
You: what are you a fucking retard
You: youre a spastic
You: should be in an establishment
You: what a fool you are
Stranger: it has already been established
Stranger: that your fucking wrong
Stranger: goddamn!
Stranger: get over yourself
Stranger: and your high horse
Stranger: paco
You: im going to post this on reddit
You: we will see who is right
You: right?
Stranger: doit i dare you
You: i will
Stranger: link pzl
You: im not gonna do it now
You: i know im right
Stranger: your not!
You: youre the motherfucker who should be sweating
Stranger: sweating?
You: cos youre wrong
You: you are wrong
You: i am right
You: you are wrong
You: end
Stranger: yo, i kant tell what ur sayin
Stranger: your using teh rong werds
You: take care wrongness
Stranger: i shall see you on reddit!#
You: may i never meet you again
Stranger: i am a mod and will pwn you noob
You: i dont want any wrongness on reddit
You: but you are no mod
You: lol
Stranger: psh, i wrote the original lisp engine
Stranger: (see?)
You: yeh im bill gates
Stranger: (i (can (do parens)))
You: lol
Stranger: )(
You: no humour can redeem you from your wrongdoings
Stranger: that should be hifenated
You: i know
Stranger: donnot evear poast agen at mi site
You: wheres the capitalisation too
You: you are from /b/?
Stranger: 😦
Stranger: better than reddit
You: you are from /b/
You: im sorry to hear that
Stranger: so are you
You: im not from /b/
You: im a person
Stranger: then how would you make such an assumption
You: i dont know
Stranger: exactly
You: exactly what
Stranger: your digital analog sequencer has wavlets foreign to this channel
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Stranger: hello
You: oh hi
You: nice to see you in here
You: my names stranger
You: what is yours
Stranger: You
You: Hi You
You: I’m from the Internet
Stranger: Me too!
You: awesom
You: I’m unisex
Stranger: How’s that working out for you?
You: It’s great. People put all sorts of things in my tubes.
Stranger: lol
Your conversational partner has disconnected.
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That convo was funny. I was on my ds hunting for math help. And if you were the other guy, Batblaster likes rock!!!
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Stranger: i am looking for a female with webcam
You: hi
You: you are a pervert who wants to cyber someone, there isn’t webcam support for omegle anyway
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