Washington's Farewell Address Translated into Everyday Speech

Posted byRandall 333 Comments on Washington's Farewell Address Translated into Everyday Speech

I’ve often heard that Washington’s ‘Farewell Address’ — the speech he sent out (in written form) to a bunch of papers at the end of his second term — is important. Apparently he lays down a lot of good ideas for America. But the common style of writing and vocabulary has changed since then. Maybe people have gotten dumber, too. Either way, the result is that it’s kind of a pain to read sometimes. Particularly tricky are the odd compound sentence structures, where it’s hard to keep track of what the subject is.

Having never read the whole thing, I thought it would be interesting to go through and try to transcribe it into some sort of casual modern speech. I wouldn’t try to recreate the prose and would probably miss out on subtleties and shades of meaning (and no doubt occasionally miss the point completely), but at least I’d get the idea of what he was talking about.

So I pulled up a copy off Wikisource and started reading and typing. Here’s the result:

A Bastardization of George Washington’s Farewell Address

Sup.

Elections are coming up, and it’s time to figure out who we wanna give the keys to. I figure it might clear things up if I take a sec to explain why I’m not running.

Now, I care about the future, don’t get me wrong, and thanks for your trust so far. I just think me quitting is a good idea on all counts.

I’ve been president twice now, and I didn’t want to do it either time. I tried to quit the first time, but the country was in trouble and every single person around me begged me to stay on.

I’m glad to say we’re pretty much in the clear now and I can get out of here without getting screamed at or letting things fall apart completely.

I told you when I started what I thought of the job. All I’m gonna say is that I did my best to set up the government right, but the more I do this the more I realize how dumb I am, and so maybe it’s okay if I let someone else take over.

Before I go I’ve gotta thank y’all, for the awards and honors and stuff but more importantly for your supporting my projects to try to make everything right, even if they didn’t always turn out quite as well as I hoped. Remember, it’s hard to tell how things will turn out when people get all fired up, so thanks for sticking by me even when everything was going to hell. Y’all get the credit for anything good that came out of it, and by God you’d better keep taking good care of the Constitution and the lives of the folks who live here. As long as you do, we’ll be a pretty kickass country and the other guys will start noticing us.

I should shut up, but I care about you guys, so there’s some more stuff to cover. I’ve been doing some thinking and I’ve got a few things to say. You know I ain’t biased ’cause all I want is to leave, so you might wanna listen up.

Now, you all love freedom enough that no one thing here is too important.

You’re all happy that the government’s so together and unified on everything (and you should be — it’s why everything’s so good), but it ain’t always gonna be this way. All sorts of folks from both here and elsewhere are gonna try to divide it, make you lose faith in it, so please don’t sell this whole America thing short. Make it your top priority and don’t ever get in a mindset where you can let ANYTHING divide you.

You’ve gotta be Americans before all else. You’re for the most part the same religion and culture, and you’ve got the same goals, and you’ve only got what you do because you all worked together.

But even though this sounds good, when it comes to crunch time it’s easy to forget that in favor of stuff that seems more immediately important than sticking together.

The North and the South, as equals, help each other. The South gets machines and junk from the North, the North gets crops from the South. Also, the South’s got some nice boats which go out and fetch stuff we need from time to time. You’ve got a similar situation with the East and the West. The East supplies the West with what it needs, and the West gets a market for its crap as well as — once we get a navy in gear — protection on the Atlantic side. There’s really no way they could safely do what they’re doing without the folks to the East.

So, we all need each other and we’re all stronger when we’re together. Being a family also means we can get along a little better, unlike certain countries I might name who aren’t so well unified. This makes us stronger and protects our freedom, and if you wanna keep protecting it you’d better get along.

It should be obvious here that we should all try to keep ourselves together. Sure, it’s a big country, and we’re not sure if we can keep it all together, but what the hell? Let’s give it a shot and find out. It’d be stupid to call it off because we’re not sure if it’ll work. Since it’s obvious how much we have to gain from keeping ourselves together, we can safely say that anyone who tries to divide us, anywhere, hates America.

Let’s think about where those splits might come from. The big one is geography. North and South, Atlantic and West, people are gonna try to emphasize the differences. They’re gonna lie about what the other side wants, and they’ll try to make you hate each other when you should all be brothers. You saw just a bit ago how some folks were trying to stir up suspicion out West that we were trying to pull one over on them with the whole Mississippi thing, but you saw how thanks to Congress dealing with Spain and England they got everything they wanted in the end. So maybe they won’t be so quick to talk about jumping ship next time.

Government’s important, and it’s not always easy to stay together. You’ve figured this out, and that’s why you ditched the last idea and came up with this Constitution. We went over it all carefully, big and small, and it’s definitely something we can trust (we can even amend it if necessary!). Give it some credit, and if you disagree, change it — don’t just disobey. Otherwise it just screws things up.

Getting in the way of the law for the sake of power plays similarly screws things up. Playing that game creates groups just looking out for themselves, turning crazy splinter groups into a powerful force. Let this get too bad and you’ll probably have the country tossed back and forth wildly as the various parties with their pet issues fight for power, rather than nice, consensual, unified government.

Parties are probably gonna look like they’re helping with one popular issue or another, so you’re gonna want support them, but I bet the guys in charge of them will just turn out to be power-hungry assholes who want to run everything.

To keep things going nicely, quit fighting with the government and be careful with letting folk amend the Constitution to weaken it. Just, in general, give it all time and see how it works out before being quick to judge. It’s a big country and we can’t keep everyone safe without a little centralization.

I just said that parties are no good, particularly regional ones. But lemme go a step further and say ALL parties are a bad idea.

Unfortunately, it’s pretty much human nature to gather into little factions like this. It’s worst in the freeest countries, and they suffer because of it.

Control goes back and forth between one party and another, and they just get more and more pissed, and we’ve seen that get really bad in the past. But it also leads to terrible, controlling government and general suckage. This gets the people more angry, they get behind one party leader or another, and that guy just takes that support and does whatever he wants, screwing up the country.

I’m not talking about anyone in particular here, but this isn’t necessarially too far off, and it’s always gonna be a threat, so keep an eye out.

This division distracts us, enfeebles the government, it gets everyone riled up with jealousy and false alarms, it pits us against each other, and eventually creates riots and stuff. It also opens the door to other countries getting a hand in our system, since they can reach in through the party structure, and then we just become their puppets.

Now, there’s the idea that the parties are important to defend freedom and put the government in its place. That might even be true sometimes; when you’ve got a real Nazi in charge, you can afford to rally behind a party, but you shouldn’t like it, and you should dump it ASAP. And there’s always gonna be a feeling of opposition to whatever the government is, so be sure you know what you’re doing before getting all partisan, and be very careful to know when to drop it so you don’t just make the problem worse.

Also, make very sure that you keep all your politicians in their place. There’s this tendency to let all the power shift into one office, which inevitably creates tyranny (just look at human nature and how much we love power). If you just divide up the power, and get everyone to watch everyone else, we’ve seen both in the past and right here at home that things will work out pretty well. And if you think the powers aren’t laid out right, just go ahead and amend the Constitution. But be careful, because that’s an easy way to destroy everything. Make sure you’re not switching to something that, no matter how good it is for now, sucks in the long term.

Now, religion and morality are vital here, and it’s silly to say that patriotism could ever be more important than those. Politicians need to be pious and respectful folk; it would take forever to list all the ways that being a good politician is tied to being moral and religious. All you need to do is ask — without religion, how can we trust anyone who swears an oath? And be awfully careful before suggesting that we can be moral without religion. There’s a lot of philosophical junk out there, but the bottom line is we can’t possibly suggest that we can keep our morals as a country without religion.

So, virtue is the root of Government. So anyone who screws with the basis of the government is obviously a bad guy.

Make education of everyone a high priority, because the government will only be as smart as the average people are.

Public credit’s important too. Don’t run up debts during peacetime so you can afford to draw on them when there’s a problem — and then pay them back ASAP. This is the job of the politicians, but the people need to keep them in line. And remember, to pay debts you need cash, and you have to get the cash from somewhere, and there’s no way to do that which people will like. It’s a tough issue with no easy answer, so try to have a good attitude and pay up when necessary.

Try to stay at peace with everyone. Religion and basic decency both say to do this, so it should be a no-brainer. It might even turn out that God arranged it so if we’re nice to everyone, we’re better off in the end. Wouldn’t that be sweet? It sucks, though, that we tend to be jerks sometimes.

It’ll help a lot if you can avoid permanent rivalries and permanent alliances. Just try to get along with everyone when you can. Otherwise, you’re a slave to your policy, which may take you somewhere bad when the situation changes. Constantly being enemies with a particular country makes you stupid and reactive, and can even lead you to war when you really don’t need to. The government gets all involved in this, and one way or another it turns out badly. Permanent alliances are bad too, because they makes you give stuff up when you shouldn’t, cause jealousy, and divide loyalties of your own citizens, often with pretty bad results.

The idea of this kind of alliance should scare any real American because it lets foreign countries meddle with us. And remember, if a weak little nation (us) gets too attached to a big strong nation (anyone else) you know we’ll be stuck in that arrangement forever.

Now, foreign meddling is one of the worst threats around, and you should be constantly paranoid about it. But be careful to be fair and sensible about it, otherwise you’ll get so focused on one country or another that you slip into alliances with other countries. And then, like I said, you turn into tools.

The most important thing about commercial trade is to avoid getting politically tangled. We’ve obviously gotta keep the promises we’ve made, but in the future let’s try not to make new ones.

Europe has a whole lot of issues that don’t mean a thing to us. So they’re gonna be fighting, and we need to make sure not to get involved with the folks on either side. We might make some nasty enemies we don’t need to.

Since we’re out here across the Atlantic, we get to do our own thing. And if we just keep it together for a little while, we might be strong enough to stand up for ourselves. And if we’re tough enough, other countries won’t want to start anything, so the choice of whether to go to war or keep the peace will be up to us.

And why give up this great situation? Why give up our country just so we can live in someone else’s? Seriously — why get involved in Europe’s squabbles?

So, we’ve gotta avoid permanent alliances. We can’t break the promises we’ve already made — the government has to be honest just like anyone — but we don’t need to make more and we don’t need to actively make the current ones longer.

(Now, as long as we’re fighting a defensive war, alliances are okay in emergencies.)

In the same way that we should be politically friendly and stay on good and fair terms with everyone, we should be fair and open financially too. Just let everything go as it will without being biased. Let natural trade routes open up, and don’t try to mess around with the whole thing one way or another. Just keep and enforce the laws on trade and traders, and keep them flexible enough to change as the situation changes — always keeping an eye out for those foreign meddling. Never get used to paying one country or another, and never get used to expecting them to pay you.

I like you all. We’re friends. I’m not gonna hope that you’ll actually remember all this for long, but I can hope that every now and then people will look back on what I said and use it to calm down a crazy political party, remind us not to get tied up with other countries, or to try to expose phoney patriots. That’s the only payment I need — the hope that in return for my looking after you, you’ll look after yourselves.

You can look at my record. In my years in charge I’ve done my best to follow all the ideas laid out in this message.

Oh, and about the war still going on in Europe right now — check out what I said on 4/22/1793. It’s the outline of my principles on the subject, which I have followed as closely as I possibly could.

I gave it a lot of thought, decided that we could stay neutral, and then took reasonable steps to make sure that’s what happened.

You know, if you just look at basic common decency it should be pretty obvious what a good idea neutrality is.

As to the reasons it’s a good idea, you can probably come up with plenty on your own. For me, the main thing has been that we’re a pretty new country, just trying to get settled, and we don’t wanna interrupt that with war right away.

Now, I can’t think of anything I knowingly screwed up over the last eight years. But I’m sure I’ve made mistakes, and I pray that God helps to repair any harm they caused. And I hope that you’re understanding about them. I’ve spent 45 years working really hard for this country, and I hope that you won’t be too hard on my incompetences once I’m gone.

Speaking of being gone, I am really looking forward to this retirement. And I’m especially looking forward to retiring to live in a peaceful, free country of good laws under a good government — a government which is a good reward for our shared hardship, work, and love.

Wow. That was fun, depressing, inspiring, and a little bit spooky.

333 replies on “Washington's Farewell Address Translated into Everyday Speech”

  1. I’d have to agree. There are a few parts I disagree with(you can’t trust somebody just because they swore an oath even if they are religious, for example) but that was just frickin amazing.

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  2. I remember reading this in school, but I don’t think I truly appreciated how precient Washington really was until now. Would it be too much to ask to get your “translation” mailed to each person who registers to vote? Yes, of course it would, but still…

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  3. The problem isn’t that religious people are not reliably moral. The problem is that so few politicians are actually religious. Most of them are ex-fratboys who drank and slept around and did coke and then “found” Jesus, without really changing fundamentally.

    But we can’t really expect any better. so we might as well just look for the most moral non-religious pols we can find. Then, regulate the hell out of them and throw the bastards in prison if they screw around on us.

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  4. True, morality and religion are often uncorrelated. I’ll certainly exclude Washington’s morality-is-impossible-without-religion line from my blanket endorsement. That being said, religion was in some ways a much more private and subjective matter in Washington’s time (he certainly wasn’t a “conventional” Christian), and one could argue he’d drop that tack in this era of hypocritical religiosity.

    I’m guilty of putting words in his mouth, sure, but then again, that’s kind of the whole exercise… =)

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  5. Pingback: ScottLog » Blog Archive » How to choose leaders in projects.

  7. While overall I appreciate the effort that went into the translation, I have to admit, I don’t like it. Even though I undestand that you were trying to put it in more modern terms, the entire thing seems like you’re the “fresh out of college middle class white teacher trying to show the urban highschool students he’s cool”. There was really no call for some of the slang you interjected, and some of the phrases seem downright silly. It’s like some mash-up of ebonics, valley-girl, and hillbilly that makes me sad to think you actually thought this is how modern people talk.

    Good effort though. Really.

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  9. Because there’s always someone who has to take themselves, life, the universe and everything way too seriously, I was forced to pass XKCD’s translation of the Address through the Ebonics Translator at http://joel.net/EBONICS/translator.asp

    The results should clarify any further doubt on the part of the feeble-minded regarding the difference between ebonics and the contents of the above blog post.

    A couple small excerpts:

    “Now, I care about da future, don’t git me wrong, an’ thanks fo’ yo’ trust so far. I just th’o’t me quitting iz uh pimp-tight idea on all counts.”

    […]

    “I like ya all. We’re niggas. I’m not gonna hope dat you’ll actually remember all dis here fo’ long, but I can hope dat every now an’ then peeps will peep back on what I said an’ use it ta calm down uh madness political party, remind us not ta git tied up wiff other countries, or ta try ta expose phoney patriots. That’s da only payment I need — da hope dat in return fo’ muh ma fuckin looking afta ya, you’ll peep afta yourselves.”

    Sorry guys. I loved the post and I didn’t want to have to do this, but RoBotkin left me no choice. Don’t try this at home!

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  10. Of the many things mentioned that are still topical today, the one that stood out for me was his opposition of parties. He is pessimistic, saying “The spirit of party… is inseparable from our nature…” This idea has much broader scope than just politics. Worse than accepting common ideas without challenge is accepting common judgment without knowing the motivation. It is scary to me how we all can form opinions without justification. I haven’t looked into it, but I’m pretty sure the Democrats are to blame.

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  13. Many thanks for the “translation”!

    It’s very interesting how the attitude and orientation of the American-Politic did change since this text was written.

    I’m European and didn’t know very much about Washington untill now. Now I’ve great respect towards him. This is a something everybody who wants to vote should read at least once (and not only in the USA).

    I will try to translate xkcd’s version into German.

    greetings from germany!
    David

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  14. Wow, that was a good read…

    Could you imagine what would happen if a modern president made a similar speech(minus the religion bit, of course)? I think we need to give political candidates tests on this speech!

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  16. Pingback: Kates Journal » Blog Archive » Sickly, again.

  18. thought you might like this in the same spirit:

    THE DECLARATION OF INDEPENDENCE IN AMERICAN

    By H.L. Mencken

    Baltimore Evening Sun, Nov. 7, 1921

    WHEN things get so balled up that the people of a country got to cut loose from some other country, and go it on their own hook, without asking no permission from nobody, excepting maybe God Almighty, then they ought to let everybody know why they done it, so that everybody can see they are not trying to put nothing over on nobody.

    All we got to say on this proposition is this: first, me and you is as good as anybody else, and maybe a damn sight better; second, nobody ain’t got no right to take away none of our rights; third, every man has got a right to live, to come and go as he pleases, and to have a good time whichever way he likes, so long as he don’t interfere with nobody else. That any government that don’t give a man them rights ain’t worth a damn; also, people ought to choose the kind of government they want themselves, and nobody else ought to have no say in the matter. That whenever any government don’t do this, then the people have got a right to give it the bum’s rush and put in one that will take care of their interests. Of course, that don’t mean having a revolution every day like them South American yellowbellies, or every time some jobholder goes to work and does something he ain’t got no business to do. It is better to stand a little graft, etc., than to have revolutions all the time, like them coons, and any man that wasn’t a anarchist or one of them I.W.W.’s would say the same. But when things get so bad that a man ain’t hardly got no rights at all no more, but you might almost call him a slave, then everybody ought to get together and throw the grafters out, and put in new ones who won’t carry on so high and steal so much, and then watch them. This is the proposition the people of these Colonies is up against, and they have got tired of it, and won’t stand it no more. The administration of the present King, George III, has been rotten from the start, and when anybody kicked about it he always tried to get away with it by strong-arm work. Here is some of the rough stuff he has pulled:

    He vetoed bills in the Legislature that everybody was in favor of, and hardly nobody was against.

    He wouldn’t allow no law to be passed without it was first put up to him, and then he stuck it in his pocket and let on he forgot about it, and didn’t pay no attention to no kicks.

    When people went to work and gone to him and asked him to put through a law about this or that, he give them their choice: either they had to shut down the Legislature and let him pass it all by himself, or they couldn’t have it at all.

    He made the Legislature meet at one-horse tank-towns, so that hardly nobody could get there and most of the leaders would stay home and let him go to work and do things like he wanted.

    He give the Legislature the air, and sent the members home every time they stood up to him and give him a call-down or bawled him out.

    When a Legislature was busted up he wouldn’t allow no new one to be elected, so that there wasn’t nobody left to run things, but anybody could walk in and do whatever they pleased.

    He tried to scare people outen moving into these States, and made it so hard for a wop or one of these here kikes to get his papers that he would rather stay home and not try it, and then, when he come in, he wouldn’t let him have no land, and so he either went home again or never come.

    He monkeyed with the courts, and didn’t hire enough judges to do the work, and so a person had to wait so long for his case to come up that he got sick of waiting, and went home, and so never got what was coming to him.

    He got the judges under his thumb by turning them out when they done anything he didn’t like, or by holding up their salaries, so that they had to knuckle down or not get no money.

    He made a lot of new jobs, and give them to loafers that nobody knowed nothing about, and the poor people had to pay the bill, whether they could or not.

    Without no war going on, he kept an army loafing around the country, no matter how much people kicked about it.

    He let the army run things to suit theirself and never paid no attention whatsoever to nobody which didn’t wear no uniform.

    He let grafters run loose, from God knows where, and give them the say in everything, and let them put over such things as the following:

    Making poor people board and lodge a lot of soldiers they ain’t got no use for, and don’t want to see loafing around.

    When the soldiers kill a man, framing it up so that they would get off.

    Interfering with business. Making us pay taxes without asking us whether we thought the things we had to pay taxes for was something that was worth paying taxes for or not.

    When a man was arrested and asked for a jury trial, not letting him have no jury trial.

    Chasing men out of the country, without being guilty of nothing, and trying them somewheres else for what they done here.

    In countries that border on us, he put in bum governments? and then tried to spread them out, so that by and by they would take in this country too, or make our own government as bum as they was.

    He never paid no attention whatever to the Constitution, but he went to work and repealed laws that everybody was satisfied with and hardly nobody was against, and tried to fix the government so that he could do whatever he pleased.

    He busted up the Legislatures and let on he could do all the work better by himself.

    Now he washes his hands of us and even goes to work and declares war on us, so we don’t owe him nothing, and whatever authority he ever bad he ain’t got no more.

    He has burned down towns, shot down people like dogs, and raised hell against us out on the ocean.

    He hired whole regiments of Dutch, etc., to fight us, and told them they could have anything they wanted if they could take it away from us, and sicked these Dutch, etc., on us.

    He grabbed our own people when he found them in ships on the ocean, and shoved guns into their hands, and made them fight against us, no matter how much they didn’t want to.

    He stirred up the Indians, and give them arms and ammunition, and told them to go to it, and they have killed men, women and chdren, and don’t care which.

    Every time he has went to work and pulled any of these things, we have went to work and put in a kick, but every time we have went to work and put in a kick he has went to work and did it again. When a man keeps on handing out such rough stuff all the time, all you can say is that he ain’t got no class and ain’t fitten to have no authority over people who have got any rights, and he ought to be kicked out.

    When we complained to the English we didn’t get no more satisfaction. Almost every day we give them plenty of warning that the politicians over there was doing things to us that they didn’t have no right to do. We kept on reminding them who we was, and what we was doing here, and how we come to come here. We asked them to get us a square deal, and told them that if this thing kept on we’d have to do something about it and maybe they wouldn’t like it. But the more we talked, the more they didn’t pay no attention to us. Therefore, if they ain’t for us they must be agin us, and we are ready to give them the fight of their lives, or to shake hands when it is over.

    Therefore be it resolved, That we, the representatives of the people of the United States of America, in Congress assembled, hereby declare as follows: That the United States, which was the United Colonies in former times, is now a free country, and ought to be; that we have throwed out the English King and don’t want to have nothing to do with him no more, and are not taking no more English orders no more; and that, being as we are now a free country, we can do anything that free countries can do, especially declare war, make peace, sign treaties, go into business, etc. And we swear on the Bible on this proposition, one and all, and agree to stick to it no matter what ha pens, whether we win or we lose, and whether we get away with it or get the worst of it, no matter whether we lose all our property by it or even get hung for it.

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  19. RoBotkin: Well, I’m sorry you didn’t like the words I picked. I wasn’t writing down to anyone and I wasn’t using other peoples’ slang. I was writing because it’s fun to find phrases in your own repertoire that mean the same thing as other phrases. But, you know, nothing in it really felt all that outrageous. I tried not to write anything that I wouldn’t actually say in one situation or another. I really was more interested in getting what Washington said in the plainest words possible than sounding funny or cool or whatever. Of course, I live in the South, where the second-person plural pronoun “y’all” doesn’t instantly mean “hillbilly” and you can say “ain’t” now and then. So I wonder how much this exercise fails based on the normal slang around the reader. Anyway, omg whatev c u l8r <3<3.

    Emily: A couple hours, give or take. I want to do some more; any suggestions?

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  20. Well, I guess such is the burden I bear being raised on at least semi-proper use of the English language.

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  22. RoBotkin: Haha, yes, the burden you bear, poor thing. I suggest you start here, at the Language Log, and read up on dialects. You know who holds the record for the most egregious use of the English language? William mf’n Shakespeare. When half the country holds some stance on ethics, that doesn’t necessarily make the stance right, but when half the country is perfectly fine with “y’all”, that does make it right, like it or not. There is no specification of “English that should be used in speeches”. It evolves over time. Consider the fact that Washington’s original speech sounds nothing like any language you hear today?

    And this isn’t just a “stop making fun of my culture” thing, either. Your concept of proper use of the English language really and truly is fundamentally flawed. But don’t worry, it’s identical to the concept that most grammar teachers have, just not linguists. And who needs linguists to tell us what’s what with respect to language, anyway? What do they know?

    Anti-Language-Nazi-Nazi signing off.

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  23. Honestly, I sort of agree with RoBotkin in that this seems like you’re trying to act like a teacher. Honestly, we need more of these modernizations. One of the reasons that most of the electorate are so easily steered by advertising and vapid attack ads is that they themselves have no opinion of their own. They have not studied or read the most important articles and letters from our past. Most of our fellow countrymen don’t know all the freedoms of the bill of rights. In my opinion, your “translation” should be considered to be amongst one of the greatest of democratic traditions, democratization of knowledge.

    Most people will not, even if told it’s vitally important, read documents such as this. The reason? To your average citizen a long document such as Washington’s farewell address contains too many constructions and words which seem strange in our society, e.g. discountenancing. If one were to reword such a document into the modern vernacular its meaning becomes immediately clear and people can readily read it. What does this modern vernacular sound like? Speak, sound out the word in your head. Does this person make sense? If so then you could consider it modern. If however, the person’s sentence construction sounds a bit off, or if you have to think about it, chances are people won’t want to read upwards of 4500 words of it.

    As for dialectic speech, when I moved from Philadelphia to Gainesville hearing people say “y’all” would make my ears burn. After some 15 years I’ve both gotten over it and use it as appropriate. Now whenever I hear “yous guys” I cringe.

    I’d love to see some of Thomas Paine’s Common Sense put through the xkcd filter though.
    http://www.ushistory.org/paine/commonsense/index.htm

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  24. spooky how many horrid little episodes he portends. in this updated speech, it’s easy to just picture washington on the sidelines shaking his head at all the little ways people have been justifying their own selfish means. good stuff. i particularly enjoyed this bit: “It might even turn out that God arranged it so if we’re nice to everyone, we’re better off in the end. Wouldn’t that be sweet? It sucks, though, that we tend to be jerks sometimes.”

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  25. RoBotkin: My my, such a burden it is to claim that your speech and extremely fortunate high-minded cultural upbringing are superior to all others’. No one who talks with the ease of a African-American valley girl bumpkin could possibly be as intelligent as you are. I am in awe of your amazing intellectual prowess. Truly, you are the elite of the elitist. (Spelling is correct).

    From the hallowed trails first tread by Strunk, White, Webster, and Ms. Grimshaw (my second grade teacher), RoBotkin has emerged as the keeper of the one and only true dialect; that dialect with which all Americans are entrusted to use properly, lest they suffer the scorn and shame of appearing to be- dare I even mention it? – in touch with those less educated than RoBotkin.

    All hail, RoBotkin, Supreme Douche for the Coochie that is Diversity.

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  27. Pingback: Adam's Blog

  28. Nicely done!

    If you’re looking for suggestions, I think the Gettysburg Address would be an interesting one to do next.

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  29. Bravehamster: I’ve gotten really attached to the wording of the Gettysburg Address, actually. Ooh, it would be an interesting one to try to redo in a specific style, though (as opposed to just miscellaneous slang and other vernacular junk, like this one).

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  30. Robotkin: “Well, I guess such is the burden I bear being raised on at least semi-proper use of the English language.”

    A language which lacks the following:

    A suitable and disambiguated second person plural pronoun.

    A contraction for the first person linking verb in the negative (“I am not”) to accompany similar contractions for the second and third person (“You aren’t”, “He isn’t”)

    Given the gaping flaws in coverage in your “semi-proper” English, I tend to prefer the version of the language that includes “y’all” and “ain’t”.

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  31. That was awesome. I really like the idea of redoing speeches into vernacular. You could try doing FDR’s “The only thing we have to fear is fear itself” speech, although it certainly isn’t as archaic and probably wouldn’t require too much modification.

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  32. Amanda:

    +1. Wish my brain wuz as ballin 0utta c0ntr0l as RoBotkin’s. OMFGZ! b3t his neck gets t3h sore from carrying around hiz gin0rm0us brainz lolz! I r just teh ign0rantz, as 3vinc3d by t3h fact i cant sp3ak or typ3 right R0FLC0pt3r!!1 l0ll3rblad3z!!11exclamati0np0int!!

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  33. K:

    As much as I just attacked robotkin for championing his rigid standard of proper english….

    What you just typed hurt my brain a lot. Please die.

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  34. If I weren’t already a lesbian and in a happy relationship I’d totally ask you out. That said:

    One of the reasons I stay out of politics is because more and more they make the message unnecessarily complicated. And the older “simple” messages have been buried under years of dumication on the part of the general public.

    Now if only someone would translate some of the works of Marcus Aurelius, that would be wicked awesome.

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  35. I was about to tell off Robotkin as well but Ananda and GreedyAlgorithm and others beat me to it. Thanks. He is a douche.

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  38. “Parties are probably gonna look like they’re helping with one popular issue or another, so you’re gonna want support them, but I bet the guys in charge of them will just turn out to be power-hungry assholes who want to run everything.”

    That was so my favorite bit!

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  39. Pingback: Jacob’s blog » Washington’s farewell address

  40. This was a brilliant idea, I’m going to show this translation to everybody.

    Oh and Robotkin you need to be just a little less pedantic, its been translated into a relaxed style of english purposely to make it easier for people to relate to and because its fun.

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  41. To Bill LeClere: I hardly think that’s in the same spirit. Mencken, the great anti-populist, was mocking the exaggerated dialect into which he “translated” the Declaration of Independence; Randall used what appears (given how he writes in the comic) to be the dialect in which he actually speaks, and is clearly sincere in admiring the text on which he worked.

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  42. Oh, and I’m tempted to do some of the Federalist Papers, myself–or maybe “Common Sense”–but I’m selfish and would rather do something with more immediate use to me.

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  43. Fantastic job, sir! I am in awe of Washington’s insight concerning political parties and the assholes who run them. The H.L. Mencken piece was interesting too, so perhaps you could give us your own version of the Declaration of Independence? If not the Gettysburg Address, then how about the Emancipation Proclamation?

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  44. Don’t take this too hard, but I prefer the original. I think it’s important to preserve the tone and the nuance of the document.

    That said, it’s a well done adaptation. Gets an A.

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  45. My favorite part was definitely the “sup”. It still tickles me.

    I’m interested to see the Gettysburg address. Will you be able to do it justice?

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  46. Although Robotkin was tactless, s/he comes close to touching on a valid point: Washington was Virginia, and unlikely to use the word/phrase “y’all” even today. Well, at least, none of the Virginians I’ve met have used “y’all.” I can say that I don’t know very many, though.

    I think what Robotkin misses out on is the idea that this was ‘translated’ into “everyday speech,” not “oratory speech.” S/He’s right in that it’s not something someone would use as a speech, but if Washington were chilling with his home boys, and wanted to explain things to them, I bet that’s how he’d do it.

    …

    If one were to rewrite the Gettysburg Address, would they alter the number 87 (“four score and seven”) to accurately reflect the number today? 231? (Eleven score and eleven?)

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  47. Robotkin: Way to miss the point. (And also come off as an arrogant asshole)
    The point in this translation was to make it easier to read for us today.
    It wasn’t to write it “exactly how Washington would have written it had he lived today”.
    Keeping that in mind, the translation works pretty well.

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  48. I use y’all all the time . . . did even before I spent a couple of months living in TN. English needs a second person plural.

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  50. Washington’s Address: Great job. Speaking as someone who’s lived in both ‘California Valleys’ and the South/Southwest… it doesn’t sound that much like either dialect. Heaven help me for saying this, but… it sounds pretty damn normal. Anywho, I digress. Very nive, very nice… especially at showing that we’ve all completely gone and blown Washington off. ¬_¬

    Dwight Brown- *laughs* Nice. Though I don’t know if the PowerPoint version beats the original.

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